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SURVIVAL TIPS FOR THE SANDWICH GENERATION
By Cheryl A. Kuba
You have just returned home from dropping off your 18 year-old baby at
his college dorm to begin his new life on campus. Wait! What is that
thundering silence you hear as you walk in your front doorway? Could it
be 'peace and quiet'?
Sure, you are part of the sandwich generation - raising children to be
responsible adults while helping care for aging parents. But, your
situation is pure. Your 85-year old mother lives independently in her
own home. She drives, plays cards with friends, and even volunteers at
church. To you, 'empty nester' has a nice ring to it.
And then the phone rings. A professional sounding voice at the end of
the phone line tells you, "I'm Joely Smith from the Good Samaritan
Hospital emergency room. Your mother is here because she fell at home
and broke her hip. She's going in for surgery. After that she will go
through recovery, rehab, and possible relocation. It doesn't look like
she'll be able to return to her two-story house.
" The nurse on the phone continues, "Your
mother is very upset. Can you come right away?" She adds, "Your mother
hasn't seen her Medicare card in months. She thinks you have it. Can you
bring it with you?"
In one phone call, your peaceful world has been turned upside down. You
are forced to spring into action, as well as begin the process of long
term care planning. The emotional baggage that comes with the family
caregiving job includes resistance to role reversal, stress, denial and
resentment.
With some proactive planning, and clear, open communication with family
members, a difficult 'train wreck' caregiving situation can be turned
into a joy ride! In compiling research for Navigating the Journey of
Aging Parents (Routledge 2006) we found the following strategies to be
most helpful:
- Involve the elderly family member in
every decision.
Nobody likes to be left out of the plans. If there was one central
concern for elders that were interviewed for Navigating the Journey,
it was that they wanted to have 'their say' about housing, driving,
and even what may seem like trivial decisions, like where to get
their hair cut.
- Ask for help.
You are not alone. One in four households is providing care for an
elderly family member. Your neighbor may have a good suggestion on a
task you are trying to accomplish, because your neighbor's mother
had a similar care concern. Men are the least likely individuals to
ask for help, even though 44 percent of caregivers in the United
States are male. Men tend to isolate themselves and believe that
their situations are unique. Just like men don't ask for directions,
they rarely ask for help in caregiving.
- Accept and enlist help from
everybody.
Get grandchildren involved. Make it one of the tasks for getting an
allowance to call grandma every Thursday at 4:00pm. Or, have a
grandchild visit his grandparent once a week to help open and sort
the mail.
- Keep the holiday cheer momentum
going.
During these winter months the days are shorter, it gets dark
earlier, and those holiday letters and cards have almost stopped
altogether. Start the process again. Valentine's Day is just around
the corner! Email all your relatives and close friends to have them
send a valentine to your elderly parent.
- Give your parent a job.
Just because they can't get out due to their ailments or bad
weather, doesn't mean that they can't have a sense of purpose. Bring
them birthday cards to fill out and send. Have the local church drop
off mailings that your parent can help assemble. Some churches even
have their shut-ins make phone calls to cheer new mothers and other
parishioners who are ill. Get your parent involved in the giving
side of Valentine's Day. We could wager that there are five people
in her life that would love to receive a Valentine from your mom.
- Take care of yourself, first.
The instructions on an airplane tell you to put on your own oxygen
mask first, before helping an elderly person or infant. This is a
critical time for you to nurture your mind, body and soul with
exercise, meditation and renewal. On this caregiving journey, think
about the precious cargo that is in your charge. Know that you are
doing your best. Your family knows it, too.
© Copyright 2009 by
Aging Parent Solutions, LLC. All rights reserved including right of
reproduction in whole or part in any form, except with written
permission Cheryl A. Kuba is the author of Navigating the Journey of
Aging Parents (Routlege 2006) and president of Aging Parent
Solutions. For additional information go to
www.agingparentsolutions.com.
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Ready or Not
When Retirement Community Living is the
Right Choice
By Cheryl A. Kuba, MA
Aging Parent Solutions
“I’m not ready.” If you are an adult child with aging parents who need
to make a lifestyle change because of declining health, maybe you’ve
already heard those four little protest words “But, I’m not ready”
followed by… “for that kind of lifestyle.” Or, “But, I’m not ready – I
don’t like change. I don’t want to make a move, or alter anything that I
am doing!”
Helping our parents make choices about where they want to live out the
last chapters of their lives doesn’t have to be a tug of war. After all,
freedom of choice is the granddaddy of all freedoms – followed closely
by, freedom to live where we want to live; freedom of speech; and
freedom to live our lives unconditionally with those we love.
The freedom to move, or to stay put in our own homes becomes compromised
for any of us when our own health and physical capabilities decline with
age. There are 22.4 million Americans receiving some form of assisted
care in their homes. Today’s elderly face tough choices as the home
where they have lived for 60 years becomes unmanageable with maintenance
issues, or if the physical layout with stairs and multi-level living
areas present safety issues and challenges to mobility.
Find out what’s really going on.
Why all the resistance? It’s called fear and frustration. Whether we are
sending our kids off to kindergarten or college, they have reservations
about what life will be like ‘away.’ Will they make new friends? Will
they learn the schedule? What if the food is awful?
Our elderly parents may be harboring the same fears – coupled with the
realization that they are stuck in a body that has physical limitations.
Their physical body is not cooperating with their intentions. It is the
single reason that they can’t get up the stairs, and why they verbally
repeat their needs a dozen times. “I need to be at the doctor’s office
at 2:00pm.” “Will you be here at 1:30?” But what’s driving that fear, is
not only the chipping away of physical capabilities, but also the threat
of losing the freedom of choice.
What is their biggest fear about retirement living?
Tune into the fact that your mom and dad have a mental picture on their
back burner. This snapshot is subliminally telling them that this new
residence may be the last place that they will live – or the last stop.
On the surface, they will participate in the retirement community’s open
house, the educational seminars and the tours. But underneath it all,
they still hesitate.
In some cases an elderly individual who is ‘testing the waters’ about
moving to a retirement community will hunt for any excuse to not make it
work. At GlynnDevins, (www.glynndevins.com) a full-service marketing
agency for retired senior living communities, Director of Public
Relations, Randy Eilts has observed many potential retirement community
residents looking for an out. “Some individuals are operating from the
brass ring of denial. They’ll become more nitpicky about amenities in
the community. Or, they’ll say it’s too expensive, or that the
transportation isn’t adequate.” Eilts added, “For others, the idea of
moving after living in one place for 40 years is overwhelming.”
Knowing they are not alone
If an aging parent has reservations about making the transition to a
continuing care retirement community, the best way to calm their fears
is to share the orientation with others. When like-minded people seek
information together, many of their fears are alleviated because of
‘power of the group.’ “There is self validation,” according to Eilts.
“They know that others are making these decisions, too. Their peers are
in the same situation.”
Lisa Sneddon, Senior Living Experts,
www.SeniorLivingExperts.com
, has encountered both resistance from individuals contemplating a move to
retirement living, as well as many positive success stories. “I reassure
them that most everyone I work with says the same thing. I also let them
know that these same people often tell me after they move in that they
"should have done this years ago.’"
Going to the source
At a recent resident forum at Las Ventanas, a continuing care retirement
community (CCRC) nestled in the Las Vegas valley of Summerlin, (www.lasventanas-lifecare.com)
residents didn’t hold back in chronicling the added independence they
individually gained by moving to Las Vegas’ only continuing care
community. “This move made my kids ‘worry-free’. I know I’m not a burden
to them, and they know that the simple things, like shopping and
maintenance are taken care of,” said one resident about her decision to
move with her husband. Another couple said that the decision was theirs
alone. “We basically told our kids to ‘butt out!’ This is what we wanted
to do.” Another resident was adamant, “Do it now! What are you waiting
for?”
Socialization, security and safety are added benefits of retirement
community living. Marilyn Witney, whose elderly parents moved into The
Heritage of DesPaines, (Illinois) (www.theheritage-desplaines.com) more
than a dozen years ago gained her own sense of relief about her parents’
future. “As their health became more of an issue, this move made so much
sense. Now that my mother is gone, I don’t worry about my dad keeping
active or going to social activities, especially in the winter. There is
so much for him to do right there, and so many friends.”
At Senior Living Experts, Lisa Sneddon works with prospects to evaluate
their care needs, budgets and geographical preferences. “When I am
meeting with people whose budget does allow them to actually afford it,
I try to point out the costs of remaining in their home. Many of the
retirement communities provide work sheets to help seniors see that it
is costing them a lot more than they think to stay at home,” Sneddon
said.
“If they currently own but are not paying a mortgage, they are still
paying property taxes and utilities, association fees, and home owners
insurance. They are also having to pay for repairs on the home which can
get expensive if they need to replace siding or a roof or even a hot
water tank!”
Sneddon also encourages her clients to factor in the cost of day-to-day
household upkeep. “They may be paying people to clean, mow the lawn,
shovel the driveway and provide transportation. They have to still pay
for groceries as well - where meals are usually included in the cost of
retirement living.”
Give ‘em what they want!
There are very few ‘old folks’ homes as they were known in past decades.
The new continuing care communities offer internet access, full wellness
facilities, swimming pools, intergenerational programs, and a host of
dynamic amenities. With lifecare communities, residents will be cared
for at every stage of their lives. One 62 year-old woman who had just
moved into a continuing care community in Illinois saw this transition
as one of her best decision about her future. “I don’t want to have to
move later on when my health declines.” From a financial standpoint, many
CCRCs, like Las Ventanas, offer a 90 percent refundable entrance free. The
refund is made when the resident decides to leave, or it can be paid to
their estate. In most cases, there is no mandatory length of stay.
When it works
Whenever possible, involve your elderly relative in the decision to move
or stay. If the venue is unsafe, you have to take action immediately.
Start the conversation, and then do the homework. Any one of the fine
continuing care communities in your area will act as a willing resource
for information, and answer your questions. Yes, even if you live in
Poughkeepsie, and your mom lives in Las Vegas, call for help. If your
parent lives out of town, call the Eldercare Locator 1-800-677-1116 or
go to www.eldercare.gov.
For long distance case management of your parent, contact a case manager
in your parent’s area. The beauty of bringing in this valuable resource
is that you will have a professional making the assessment of your
parent, and then the manager can help coordinate and build in the layers
that fit your parent’s needs To hire a case manager to assess your
parent’s situation long-distance, visit the National Association of
Geriatric Care Managers,
www.caremanager.com . 520-881-8008.
Sneddon offers lifestyle advice to her clients. “This kind of living
allows them to do just that, live... not constantly work at keeping up
their house or staying isolated. It allows them to do things they might
not have a chance to do if they stayed at home, such as making new
friends or participating in a new activity. It helps they feel more
active, more involved in the community, more in control of their life,
with the peace of mind that care is there if needed. “
She encourages both the parent and their adult children to step up and
take action. “Who wants to sit at home alone wondering what is going to
happen if they fall? Sometimes you have to bring out the "what-ifs" to
help them see the whole picture.”
Ready or not, it is never too early to make smart choices about sensible
retirement community living.
For information about the right questions to ask when selecting a
retirement community, pick up a copy or Navigating the Journey of Aging
Parents: What Care Receivers Want, by Cheryl A. Kuba, MA.
www.amazon.com , of
www.agingparentsolutions.com Available at local bookstores.
Key words: Freedom, choice, valuable information, eldercare, Aging
Parent Solutions, living situations, continuing care retirement
community.
For reprint of this article, notification of user’s publication and
intention must be forwarded to
Cheryl Kuba.
This website
www.agingparentsolutions.com and the author’s name must be included in
placement.
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NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
FOR THE DESPERATE CAREGIVER
New Year’s resolutions. We all make them. They are our
recipe for a fresh start toward hope, health and happiness for the next
twelve months. But, for the majority of family caregivers of aging
parents, who are at their wits end in the demanding role of caregiving,
the New Year looks anything but ‘happy.’
In the last few months, so many of the caregivers and
clients whom I have worked with at Aging Parent Solutions, have
expressed how desperate they are for a break in the 24/7-caregiver role.
Some told me they don’t know how they can go on. Others said that as
they solve one problem for their elderly parent, a new one surfaces.
Each caregiver longs for a little down time, and a simple formula that
will make their caregiving jobs less stressful. Most wish for relief in
three areas for 2007; for their loved one to be released from pain; more
time for themselves; and a balance in the workload.
To make this journey a success, and to keep harmony in the family, there has to be a
solid plan going into the New Year. The master plan will work even
better if the caregiver and care receiver discuss the potential
outcomes.
1. Take control of your situation.
Don’t become a victim of caregiver stress. Set yourself up to be able to
provide eldercare without despair.
2. Take care of yourself. Keep current with your own doctors and
dental appointments. Eat right and exercise; don’t overindulge- in
anything! Make it a priority to get enough sleep. This is the time when
you need to be at the top of your game.
A study conducted by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP found
that the stress and strain of caregiving could negatively affect your
health, well-being, and ability to provide care. Stress is linked to the
six leading causes of death—heart disease, cancer, lung ailments,
accidents, cirrhosis of the liver, and suicide. Throughout your journey,
you will hear the safety message told to every airline passenger: “Put
on you own oxygen mask first, before you assist an elderly person or a
child.” Be aware of the first signs of stress. Don’t wait until someone
tells you to put on your oxygen mask!
3. Delegate. Make a list of all the little errands that fall
under your ‘multi-tasking’ umbrella. Now, pick four of those tasks, and
give them away. Don’t labor over them.
4. Ask for help. You can’t go down this road alone. Write down
the names of six people who have offered to help in the past. Take them
up on their offers. They meant it. They want to help.
5. Don’t argue. If you find yourself constantly battling with the
person you care for, step back. Take a break. Arguing depletes your
energy. You will create more harmony if you approach each situation with
your saber at your side, instead of with your saber drawn.
6. Give them a break. Remember, that your ailing parent is stuck
in a body that is not cooperating. Their physical incapacity is usually
the source of their aggravation.
7. Don’t knock the reruns of life. If your parent dwells on the
past, and repeats the same story over, and over again, use it to your
advantage. If they can’t seem to accept the talent of today’s star NFL
quarterback, for example, ask them about football’s most valuable player
of 1956. I bet you’ll hear a brand new story that your dad is more than
willing to share.
8. Have a plan for when you lose your job. That’s right. Losing
your caretaker job is a given. Although it seems like this caregiving
role will never end, it will. Your parent will most likely not come back
to independence. Chances are they will die on your watch. Be prepared.
Suddenly, and without warning, you will have lots of time on your hands.
Have a plan. Make a list of things you would like to accomplish when
your job is over– hobbies, redecorating, a vacation, volunteering.
9. Savor the silliness. When you are a frazzled, family
caregiver, it is hard to believe that there is any silliness in your
day. These little nuggets of joy explode when you least expect them.
When a crazy situation presents itself where you laugh until you cry,
whoop it up. Usually these turn into bonding moments with your parent.
Take advantage of the moment. You will never know when you’ll get
another chance.
10. Know how to manage your own financial situation. Whether you
are supplementing your parent’s care, or you are financially
independent- pay attention to the money. Don’t let the stress of
caregiving undermine your ability to pay bills on time. If you start to
mismanage your finances, ask for help. Talk with someone you trust. Get
help before you venture down the road of financial ruin.
11. Find your spiritual connection. Everyone has one. For some
people, your source of spiritual connectedness is more difficult to
unearth. Whether you pray, meditate, say a mantra, or believe in a God –
keep up your belief. This job is larger than all of us. You need an
outlet to exercise your faith, and a higher power in which to cast your
soul.
12. Remember your parents for who they really are. Don’t file
your parent’s personality under “Frail Elder who needs Constant
Attention.” In the past months you have been dealing with a mom or a dad
who has been in pain, and serious physical decline. Or, perhaps you have
had to deal with hospitals and long term care issues that were beyond
your comprehension. As these chapters of life come to a close, remember
your dad as the vibrant, fun-loving man who could take on the world.
Mentally rehearse the memories of your parent’s best years. We know you
didn’t voluntarily come into this role, but neither did your dependent
family member. No one is dependent by choice.
Take care of yourself, celebrate each moment, and 2007 will be a Happy
New Year!
For additional information about Aging Parent Solutions, or the book,
Navigating the Journey of Aging Parents: What Care Receivers Want,
please contact,
Cheryl Kuba.
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December 12, 2006